Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
where are you?
Hypothermia
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
