i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
