The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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