You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
