I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
