Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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