I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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