just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize