you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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