My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize