there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I FOUND THE LEGS
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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