You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
