The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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