Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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