the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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