Will you blow on my dice?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
