i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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