So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize