At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
