You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
