Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
