i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
is it fun? or sober?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
