There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
