apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you inspire me to be a worse person
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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