why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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