I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
