New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
