i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
