i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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