Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Randomize
