I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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