Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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