I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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