My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
