ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
