Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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