Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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