Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
