just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
