It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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