My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
