If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
