I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
