Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
True strength comes from lack of pants
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
