No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize