Already got asked if we're dating
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
