Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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