i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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