I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
