I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize