You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
