Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
