I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He literally asked permission to hit on me
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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