Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
