Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
