just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
