It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
