its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
