Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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