Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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