So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
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