Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
