Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Where is the hickey?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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