she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
