He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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