I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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