I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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