I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize