Just fell off a train. Bad.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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