I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
