My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize