cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
